Holy Hell

Bravo to BigBlueShoe!

Seriously.

Closing his post on Peyton Manning's completely-not-a-big-deal neck injury, Stampede Blue's finest had this to say:

I really, really, really, really, really, REALLY hate how the Colts conduct their business with injuries. It almost always comes back to smack them in the face and make them look like schmucks. They cannot play this "We're a class organization that plays by the rules" card one minute and then pull this crap the next.

I can't believe he's being a harsher critic on the Colts than I am about this. I totally expected a 'See, Peyton Wasn't 100% for the Super Bowl' article, but instead got objectivity. Truthfully, I see it as a non-issue. Unless a team failed to report an injury of someone of Manning's stature THEN sat him out a game, how exactly does it hurt the opposing team? Worst-case-scenario, they over-prepare under the assumption that Manning is completely healthy? And even if he sat, would the difference between preparing for Manning and facing Curtis Painter really be that much of a curve ball? I personally like it when a team jerks around the injury report, a la the Patriots, since these status upadates aid the people who set betting lines more than opposing teams. Still, I appreciate a Colts fan actually calling out the organization on the perpetuated myth that Indianapolis has the type of class that differentiates itself from the rest of the league.

Again, bravo!

Sigh...

More Stampede Blue inanity:

With their golden boy coming up gags in the playoffs yet again, Colts fans are scrambling to find excuses to disassociate Peyton Manning from the dreaded 'C' word. No, not that 'C' word, I mean 'choke.' At any rate, the bottom of the barrel of Colts fans--Stampede Blue, or rather, BigBlueShoe--has taken to consulting a Cleveland Browns blog for reassurances that his favorite quarterback wasn't at fault in the Super Bowl defeat (he was). But that's not what had me rolling my eyes in disgust. Note this sentence, tossed in matter-of-factly:

Yes, the Saints were able to score a TD off it due in part to an illegal block in the back on Manning, but whatcha gonna do?

BigBlueShoe, you honestly want to tell me that Peyton Manning would have tackled Tracy Porter? Even if he was running away from the play at the time of the purported block in the back? Really? Sigh...

Please, if this is all it takes to get press passes to the Super Bowl, I'll churn out like-minded drivel to the first person who'll have me.

The Peyton Manning Experience?

Yeah, it seems like I'm picking on the guy, but I checked BigBlueShoe's profile on the Stampede Blue Web site and noticed something peculiar. He's listed the teams he roots for, but check out the last one:

Indiana Pacers
Indianapolis Colts
LSU Tigers
Indiana Hoosiers
Buffalo Sabres
The Peyton Manning Experience

I thought maybe it was another site, but I couldn't find it with a Google search. My best guess is that it's a homosexual fantasy that Colts fans have with their favorite QB. It's the best sex they have ever had, but as they reach the climax, Manning shrinks away from the moment (pun intended). It's eerily representative of the real-life Peyton Manning.

Stampede Blue: The Prescription for an Aneurysm

Okay, so I am making an appointment to read Stampede Blue each day, partly because the inanity is so funny and partly because I evidently have masochistic tendencies. To my surprise, BigBlueShoe had some honest insight today, debating against the idea that the Colts are a 6-10 team without Manning. But the argument he makes is disingenuous, because even in a metaphorical situation without Peyton Manning, Colts fans can't help themselves in propping up Peyton Manning. Let's digest some of the garbage, shall we?

Manning personally works with Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie, Gijon Robinson, Jacob Tamme, and Anthony Gonzalez to help make them better. Without Manning, these guys would not have developed.

Look, I'm not saying Manning had absolutely nothing to do with their development, but to say that they would be third string scrubs without Manning is ludicrous. Sadly, such assertions can't be proven wrong unless these players move on to another team/different QB, but the onus to prove it lies on Mr. Hyperbole.

The offensive line is a patchwork of ragtag rejects who are made to look good because Peyton is outstanding at sliding away from pressure. Also, he never gets rattled. The guy has ice in his bloodstream, and a great clock in his head.

You are joking, right? Please, please, PLEASE say this is supposed to be funny. "Ragtag rejects"? You are aware that Manning never gets hit, right? And your argument makes it seem like he's dodging blitzers left and right while carving up opponents. He's not. And you really want to say the guy doesn't get rattled when he just lost the freaking Super Bowl in part to getting rattled?! Not to mention that Peyton's modus operandi has always been looking great in the regular season then most definitely becoming rattled in the playoffs. (Here's the part where a chorus of Colts fans chime in and blame pretty much everyone else on the team besides Manning for each of his nine playoff losses.)

The offense really relies on Peyton to make everything work, and he no longer has the Marvin Harrison, Tarik Glenn, and Edgerrin James types he once had. Yes, he still has talent, but not on the same level. This will be Polian's challenge moving forward, getting Peyton more help.

The Marvin Harrison? How about The NFL's Answer to Charlton Heston (sorry, that's Ray Lewis, I forgot)? And only a Colts fan could look at the weapons he has on offense and surmise that this is the weakest area of the time and needs to be fixed so that the wonderful Peyton will no longer need to raise the playing level of his JV-squad counterparts. Maybe Polian's challenge should be investing in the Special Teams, seeing as how that was the primary factor in the Colts Super Bowl loss (aside from Manning's choke).

I'd say (the Colts would finish) 9-7 and no playoffs, kind of like the Patriots in 2002 or the Steelers in 2009.

You just had to throw the no playoffs thing in there, didn't you? I think among the reasons Colts fans don't want Peyton Manning to get hurt for is that if you plug in a competent quarterback (like Matt Cassel), the team would probably do very well. In fact, I think it would mirror the Patriots' 11-5 2008 season (although, that would mean no playoffs, so I guess I shouldn't have been so critical of BigBlueShoe's inclusion of that...nah!), especially with their seemingly annual cupcake schedule.

(Sort of) In Defense of Manning; A Query for Stampede Blue

I met as well live right on Bourbon Street, because I don't want this Super Bowl party to end. I have a strange feeling that in three months, I will become the sports fan equivalent to, as Mike Birbiglia might put it, 'The Guitar Guy at the Party.' You know, the tool that puts on the guise of Mr. Sensitivity, pours drinks into girls while he hits on them, then invariably pulls his guitar case out at some point in a sad display of 'Hey, look at me!' insecurity. That will be me with the Colts Super Bowl loss. Maybe I'll be at a final four party or something of that ilk, but at some point, I will attempt to move the conversation towards football. Perhaps I am already 'that' guy, because guess what? Here is another Colts Super Bowl post, but this one comes with a twist.

I'm going to defend Peyton Manning.

No, not his play on the field, regardless of what delusional Manning cheerleaders think, the man choked. He was Mama Cass in that game, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

It's Caldwell's fault, he was too conservative on offense.

Really? Then explain to me why, when Manning is carving up (oftentimes mediocre) opponents in the regular season, superlatives like 'He's and extension of the coach' or 'He's his own offensive coordinator, he can audible at will because he's that good' get bandied about. After the Saints effectively made him irrelevant during the second quarter and the game tightened up, Manning was a different quarterback. It's the same old story, when the lights get their brightest, Manning becomes pedestrian. He's a 9-9 playoff starter with a Super Bowl courtesy of poor New England receiving (remember the name Reche Caldwell and watch that AFC title game again) and Rex Grossman (really, his Super Bowl victory came against maybe the worst Super Bowl team ever).

(Allow me a tangent: Evidently there is a Colts Web site masquerading as serious journalism called Stampede Blue, but amounts to an unofficial fan club blog. Read posts from a guy named BigBlueShoe, not only does he argue that Manning didn't choke, but it's stupid to assume that he is a choker. Um, what planet are you from, buddy? In 15+ years as a nationally prominent quarterback, Manning has one title. That's an anomaly. He also likes to acknowledge the argument that Tom Brady outshines Peyton Manning with a patronizing sarcasm. At best, sir, Manning is possibly a better regular season quarterback, but remember, 50 > 49. When Brady had talent similar to that of Manning surrounding him, he became a stats fiend too. Oh, and then there's that whole playoff thing. Allow me, 14-4 > 9-9 and 3 > 1. But you are right, BigBlueShoe, the guy with a .500 playoff record and the same number of titles as Trent Dilfer is the best quarterback of his era and it's so laughably one-sided to boot.)

With that vitriol out of my system, I will get on with my defense of Manning, or rather, his lack of a post-game handshake. Guess what? It was poor sportsmanship...and I fucking LOVE it. I cannot properly describe how much I hate it when guys from my favorite teams lose a big game then proceed to get chummy with their opponents. I would rather a guy pop his foe in the mouth then give him a handshake or a hug. It's the best way to realize 'Yeah, this guy makes too much money, but at least he still cares more about winning than cash.'

I'm not advocating being an ass at your press conference or at a later date, but in that moment, I want you to be pissed. Which Manning clearly was; it's a bit tricky to tell, what with the Manning Face and all, but remember, whenever Peyton looks like a spoiled six-year-old that's been denied a toy by his mother, he's actually in a fit of blind rage. And I applaud it, at least you know that the game mattered to him.

What I don't applaud, however, are the sack-tickling Colts fans that feign indignation that Manning's post-game integrity is questioned. He hugged Darren Sharper on the way to the bus, he said he was going to call Drew Brees and Sean Payton...that defines class! Really, because I seem to remember a different sentiment from these fans when Bill Belichick pulled a similar stunt after Super Bowl XLII--and even he had the wherewithal to shake Tom "My Red Face Indicates a History of Alcoholism" Coughlin's hand. I was trying to find an example of such outrage, then decided to check back in with our friend BigBlueShoe and his post-game posting from that game:

Choke job! Giants beat Patriots 17-14, Patriots lose Super Bowl 42: Eli Manning and the Giants just pulled out the biggest upset in sports history! I guess karma has a way of coming back to bite ya, and sometimes the good guys win. Way to keep it in the family, Eli! Be sure to hop over to Big Blue View and congratulate Eddie and the Giants fans over there. Belichick's post-game news conference was typical Bill: Assholish, short, and classless. The news conference was trumped only by his childish act of walking off the field with 1 second left on the clock, leaving his team on the field to finish the game. Brady is on now, and unlike previous loses (where he storms off and seems to cry) he's actually standing in there and fielding questions. So, bully for Brady.

Wait a second! It's totally cool for Manning to walk off, because he is a competitor...and he was going to send a congratulatory text anyway. But Belichick? He's a childish asshole. Oh, and I guess you are right, karma does have a way of 'coming back to bite ya' ('Ya'? What are you, Sarah Palin? You betcha!)...hahacoltslose. Anyway, where do you draw the line for choke jobs? I mean, according to Vegas, the heavily favored Pats lost 31-14, indeed a terrible loss. But at least the margin of defeat isn't as embarrassing as the Colts' (Vegas weighted) 37-17 loss, is it? Especially with the undisputed Greatest Quarterback, Nay, Greatest Human Being (That Totally Never Chokes) of All-Time Peyton Manning under center.

(Note: This post took a negative turn in the midst of writing, because I happened upon this BigBlueShoe character.)

These Stampede Blue shenanigans leave me with a handful of lingering questions...

Is that a paid site? If so are they hiring, because evidently they accept anything, and I'd love to mindlessly churn out posts for cash.

Happy Presidents Day, Everyone...

...Unless you go to Indiana University. Like me. And you are forced to go to class on a federal holiday. Even with a foot of snow (and counting) making travel hazardous. Schedule-marking persons, eat a cock. Everyone else, let's enjoy basking in the Colts misery for yet another day (are you sensing a pattern with me?). Behold, one of the greatest YouTube videos ever. A recreation of Manning's Pick Six from the Super Bowl using updated rosters on a Tecmo Super Bowl game. Enjoy.

Embarrasing Moments in Sports Broadcasting

Who better to receive the inaugural spot in the Embarrasing Moments in Sports Broadcasting series than the man whose namesake graces this blog's title: The aptly named Bob Lamey. Courtesy of NFL Films and YouTube, behold one of the most pathetic attempts at broadcast professionalism during a crucial point of the 2004 Divisional Playoff game between the Indianapolis Colts and the New England Patriots. Trying to steal the momentum of a frustrating game going into the half, the Colts had a trick play up their sleeve...unfortunately, few people, if any, within the organization (including Mr. Lamey) understood the 'illegal shift' rule. Needless to say, hilarity ensues, enjoy this embarrasingly bad glimpse into the world of crappy sports broadcasting.

(Notes: The call in question can be heard from :09 to :39; special thanks to NFL Films for making Lamey look like such a jackass in their analysis of the play.)

Off-Season Q and A with Colts President Bill Polian

With his team entering what promises to be a turbulent off-season, Indianapolis Colts President Bill Polian took to the airwaves to fire some missives at the flawed rules that cost his team a Super Bowl title.

"Something's just got to be done," says Polian, "I mean, when you have guys kicking onside kicks in the third quarter, that's just not right."

What do you mean by that?

"It's cheap. Really cheap. It diminishes the game, it diminishes the league, and it robs more deserving players, like Peyton Manning, from a title. I mean, he plays a mistake-free game, but his teammates and O-Line just did not show up. I'm not one for hyperbole, but I don't believe that Jesus Christ Himself could have played a better game at quarterback with such a leaky line."

But hasn't the line been elite for nearly every year of Manning's career? They never gave up a sack in the Super Bowl?

"Doesn't matter."

I'm sorry?

"It really doesn't matter. Anyone who lays the blame on Manning for this game knows nothing about football. I mean, Peyton is five steps ahead of everyone. His momma hadn't even popped him out of the womb, and he was already tasting that sweet, sweet milk. That's the type of person he is, that's the type of player he is. So he doesn't make mistakes. That interception was clearly Reggie Wayne's fault. It had nothing to do with being predictable, Wayne ran the wrong route and we know this because Peyton made a point to go over and lecture him in front of CBS' cameras."

Haven't the Colts run that play a lot this year? And didn't Manning look rattled and off-target even before he threw the interception?

"That's beside the point, and that's a bush league question. Peyton doesn't make mistakes, period. It was BS in 2003 and 2004 when the Patriots manhandled our poor, valiant receivers, that had nothing to do with Peyton. Same for 2005 with our poor protection. So, no, he didn't look rattled, he looked like a quarterback whose team had quit on him. He didn't underthrow that pass to the sideline, he decided at the last moment that that is where the pass needed to go. Did I mention that Pierre Garcon dropped a perfectly thrown ball?"

No, you didn't. But remember, Marques Colston had a similarly bone-headed drop in the first hall, so the plays basically nullify.

"That's where you are wrong. Peyton is too good not to capitalize on that would-be completion. I don't think the Saints had the offensive talent to make good on that. You can only be so lucky."

So, you believe that luck brought New Orleans a Super Bowl?

"Of course! Like I said, with Peyton Manning, either the other teams lucky or there are some bad rules for him to lose. So, I'm going to be harping on the league like crazy, just like I did after the 2004 season, to get these changed."

What do you mean, 'changed'?

"Well, on that Garcon drop, he got jacked at the line."

That's legal.

"It shouldn't be."

But you were vociferous in your desire to emphasize the five-yard contact threshold, were you wrong in the past?

"No, I wasn't wrong. I just didn't realize that it was wrong until I saw how flawed the reasoning was in action."

So, you are on record as saying that you are okay with changing the rules on the fly if it helps your team?

"Yes. I know how that sounds, but Peyton is just other-worldly. The games should just be a formality. When he loses, something's wrong."

So that 9-9 record is misleading?

"Of course, I'm not saying he should be 18-0, but..."

I see. Well, do you at least want to congratulate the New Orleans Saints?

"I'm still looking at the tape on this one. I guess I'm happy for the people of New Orleans, but they can't hold a candle to our fans."

But it seems like Colts fans are only content if the team wins. Weren't there only 11 people waiting for the team at the airport? Which contrasts sharply with New Orleans, who had planned a parade win or lose?

"Look, we bleed blue. That should speak for itself."

Any final thoughts, Mr. Polian?

"I just would like to summarize my goals for the off-season: Eliminate the onside kick in the first three quarters, move the five-yard contact rule back four yards, and give the quarterback a flag-like object to stick in his pocket so he doesn't have to get hit."

Flag football, Mr. Polian? Is that because Manning looks very human once he gets even the slightest bit of contact?

"No, it's just more fair. We know that Colts fans are the most polite, smartest, God-fearing people, so the Colts Way will always be the fair way.

Thank you, Mr. Polian.

"Thank you."